A couple of months ago, I received a call from a special customer, Power. She said she needed coaching and that it was urgent. It was obvious she was having a personal crisis and wanted to begin straight away. In clarifying contract details, however, we made slow progress. “What is it you want to achieve with this coaching?” “I just want to come across better. I keep falling into the wrong hands. It’s so annoying!” I could see this wouldn’t get us anywhere. Also, Power seemed to be in a hurry, was irritable and mentioned her full schedule. So we made an appointment. Eagerly, I awaited our next meeting. A one on one appointment with Power! Who would have thought? When she entered the room, I felt the familiar quickening of my pulse. Any time I deal with her, it is always the same story. I can’t fight it, even though I know she can’t harm me. As always, Power had a quite impressive appearance. But today she seemed to be nervous and preoccupied, which is unusual for her. I made Power a cup of coffee and leaned back to let her talk. She said she didn’t have many friends, but rather a bad reputation. She felt people eyed her with distrust. People were constantly assuming that she had bad intentions, were suspicious of her, found her arrogant and disagreeable. And she didn’t even stand a chance with women. Many of them didn’t want anything to do with her, because they felt she would make them unattractive and unpopular and they said she just made too much dirt and, consequently, work. They avoided her like carbs after seven or like the thought of getting a pet. For some, it was just full-fledged fear. She just couldn’t understand. Her realistic self-approach stunned me.

“And all this leads to…?” Maybe that was the wrong question. A tirade ensued about the wicked world we live in, complaints about men, but also some women that she let herself in with by pure necessity and who were not only ruining her image, but also weren’t doing her much good personally. Oddly, these people seemed to become more attractive by being associated with her, for her it was the opposite. Only very few sensible people were interested in having any contact with her. She felt used and misunderstood. All of this used to be normal and all, but especially since the sixties she had been hoping to find a new image. I knew that for Power, fifty years must seem like the day before yesterday. She is as old as human kind, after all. Still, I was intrigued. “So what have you tried since the sixties?” Power was a bit abashed. She mumbled something along the lines of flowers and peace, self-encounters and “experiments”, nothing very precise. Even the most rigorous questions didn’t catch bait, much less the run-of-the-mill question “what else?”. For whatever reason, the questions didn’t seem to be taking effect. Or maybe she just wasn’t able to acknowledge it.

I was getting impatient: “Listen. I’ve understood what you are fed up with. And also that things have gotten worse the past few years with smaller and bigger tyrants popping up all over the place… But back to you: How can we make this coaching worth your money? You are much older, much more experienced and more influential than I am. I can only help you if you tell me what you want. We both know you have better things to do with your time than complain.” Power was silent. “A change of image, I guess.” “What kind of image change? What would it look like?” “I don’t know! You tell me! I thought you were the professional!” There it was again. My pulse skyrocketed. I tried to stay calm: “My profession consists mainly in asking the right questions, even though I have to admit, that in your case, I have hitherto had only modest success. Maybe you could tell me a little more about the people with whom the new image has been showing some first hopeful signs. Can you think of anything? Just so I can get an impression…” She got quiet again and looked out the window for a while. I held my breath. Finally, she relaxed a bit and began to talk: “There are a couple of people, they just take me. I like them. They make the effort of taking on leading roles, shaping the community around them – both on a small and a large scale. In politics, businesses, clubs and associations, churches. They make use of the spaces I provide them with. I love working with them. They put up with hostilities, solve problems, stoically endure the flow of never ending trivialities that always get in between their plans to move bigger things. I admire them and often marvel at their perseverance.” “And you would like more of that?” “Yes, I would like more of that.” “What is the difference between these people and those that get on your nerves?” This time, her answer came bubbling out all at once: “They take me, but not completely. They distribute me right away. They make extensive considerations, but also, they seize opportunities, when they think it’s necessary. Their words are friendly, but firm. They make mistakes and admit them. They put up with a lot, but not everything. They grant themselves and others freedom. And love.” She was silent. We both were. I was still pondering about suggesting a team supervision with Love and Freedom, when she rose. “Well, that’s a start”, she said, uncommonly mild by her standards . “I need to go. You will hear from me.”

Wiebke Witt

A good start

To get started in the virtual space, I first have to be clear about what it means to work virtually. Things that happen or are understood as a matter of course in a face-to-face meeting require more explicit communication, technical prerequisites must be created, participation must be consciously activated. From an early age we have learned that we relax, lean back, consume in front of the TV screen. Later we learned that we work silently in front of a computer screen, reading or hitting the keys. So this behaviour is to be expected as soon as people sit in front of screens. If I want shared responsibility and active participation for a meeting, I will have to create conditions for it that will use what I have learned or facilitate relearning.

Three key tracks for a good start:

1. Prepare the setting
“The basic assumption that technology works is wrong to begin with.” (Marc Chmielewski). Based on this, I carefully prepare the virtual room, schedule time for a technology check, send YouTube links with short tutorials (e.g., before using new digital tools), have the camera at eye level and ensure lighting from the front so that the participants can see me well.

2. Build a relationship
The invitation to the meeting already builds the relationship. If I want to use new tools and forms of participation, I can already announce this in the invitation. If the participants are to leave the camera on during the meeting, which is recommended for good interaction, they should know this beforehand and be prepared for it. A small preparatory task or the request to bring something (ideas, questions, objects) activates the participation already before the meeting. As a facilitator, I dial in early, greet the participants in a friendly manner, help with technical questions, invite them to use the camera and make sure the atmosphere is relaxed. A good meeting starts with a check-in that picks up the participants at the relationship level. Ideas for check-in questions with different focal points can be found at icebreaker.range.co or checkin.daresay.io.

3. Enable work readiness
A check-in can also be used to focus the content. As is so often the case, the most important thing is to find a suitable introductory question that sets the mood well for the goal of the meeting. A check-in can be designed with a talking object, e.g., a teaspoon, which is passed on through the screens. A question is visualized, the time (e.g., one minute) or the form (e.g., name two words, symbol) for the answer as well. The first person is allowed to take the spoon, then the participants nominate the next person and pass the object on until everyone has had his or her turn. Explicit instructions and a “time-out” signal, e.g., with a pleasant sound, help to learn the methodology.

People participate more constructively when they feel safe, are interested in the topic, know what is expected of them, what they can expect from the others, which topics and which working methods have been agreed upon. At the beginning of a meeting, we should therefore create orientation and transparency about the following areas:

• Agenda, time, person allocated for each topic.
• Arrangements for virtual etiquette (e.g., “We leave the camera on”, “Speak so I can see you…”)
• Rules of the game / practices of success (e.g., “Personal stories stay here – knowledge goes out into the world…”)
• Roles that different people take on in the meeting (e.g., moderator, chat guard, timekeeper, information, protocol…)
• Depending on the situation, also overview and location of the meeting: “Where are we in the process right now?”

How to fly

There are millions of approaches and methods to navigate a meeting well. Here is a selection for more participation, purposeful discussions and a few quirky ideas for highflyers:

• Less is more: Be brief and ask others to be brief as well
• Use as few slides as possible in presentations, interrupt screen sharing often, listen if there are questions, ask questions
• Limit presentation time to a maximum of 15 minutes. No one listens for longer
• Give the floor very explicitly, agree on speaking times
• Agree on and use a show of hands or a speaking object as a signal to take the floor
• Stop talking at length, summarize contributions, address silent participants directly
• Use the chat, e.g., to collect ideas or to ask questions
• Always ask purposeful, activating questions
• Deal confidently with silence. Allow for silence, explicitly name the time for reflection, ask what the silence means, tell participants how I interpret the silence, introduce the 5-second rule (“If there are no questions/answers from you after 5 seconds, I assume that…” from Caroline Lewis).
  Use interactive whiteboards, MIRO or MURAL as virtual pinboards.
  Gamification, use creative scales (www.pinterest.de/trudywoo/mood-scales)
• Use polling tools such as Mentimeter, e.g., to assess the quality of the decision made
• Have an elevator pitch on the core issues (= one minute, as long as a long match burns)
• Appoint a court jester or an advocate diaboli, preferably with an appropriate virtual background
• Use a talking object and an audio stop signal, e.g., with a cymbal or singing bowl

A pleasant landing

A meeting ends pleasantly when the agreed time frame has been adhered to, I know what the next steps are, I have been able to take something away and / or contribute and I feel I have had an appropriate send-off. For a good landing we should therefore:

Close contents well: Summarize the most important results and agreements, give space for concluding questions (also plan the time), give hints on the next steps, clarify who will do what by when or talk to whom.

Collect feedback: What do I take away? What do I want for next time? Share answers in the check-out or in the chat, rate the quality of the meeting on scales or with survey tools, either directly in the meeting or afterwards by message.

Say goodbye on the relationship level: The classic check-out question “How do I leave this meeting?” always works, but can also be supplemented and modified with creative scales, symbols and metaphors. A calm, warm farewell with thanks for participation and commitment ensures a soft landing.

How does my #favouritemodel help you?

If you are facilitating virtual meetings and find them tough, sluggish and not very interactive, the flight metaphor can help you and the participants to change this:

Start: How can I prepare the setting well? What can I control and what can I just accept and let go? What language suits the people in the meeting? How can I pick them up well? What do the participants need to be able to work? How can I invite them to participate more?

Flying: How do we shape the processes of information, decision-making and problem-solving? Which patterns should we interrupt? Do we rather ask more questions or limit the speaking time? Which tools do we want to try out? Which one today? How can we deal well with silence?

Landing: What questions need to be asked during the landing phase? How do we get feedback? What does a pleasant farewell look like in our setting?

Wiebke Witt

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